Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Its A Holiday In Cam-Cymru...

If ever anyone's really stuck for departmental outings ...!

...So you've been to Australia and New Zealand, you've done the bungee jumps and experienced the white water rafting. That's b * ll * cks.

Cymru Chaos Adventure Anarchy... Wales's newest adventure holiday company has the ultimate holiday for the adrenalin junkie. When you arrive at Cardiff Airport you will be met by one of our representatives and transported in one of our limousines from our fleet of Y reg Talbot Solaras.

First stop is Penrhys Community Centre for a welcoming flagon of Strongbow Cider. After the 3-hour cider drinking ceremony, visitors will travel by valleys bus down into Tonypandy for entertainment at the Library Club, where joints and grams of "powder" will be administered to our visitors.

After the club has been closed, our visitors will be organised into groups of 3 and led by one of our representatives. The groups will then proceed to steal Ford Escorts and head to Ponty Mountain after high-speed car chases involving the South Wales Police force. The stolen vehicles will then be ritually ignited. Police will then chase visitors on foot down the mountainside.Cymru Chaos accepts no responsibility for visitors arrested by the police.

Day 2 will begin with a sightseeing trip to Tonyrefail's famous Springfield estate, followed by drinks at the Boar's Head at 10.30am.

The fun continues at 3.30pm when all participants head to Dinas council flats to score drugs. Visitors will be allowed to sell their bodies for sex should they have a problem with lack of money to buy smack. At 5.30pm all visitors will participate in daylight vandalism by spraying their names on all the bus shelters all the way down to Porth. At 6.30pm everyone will participate in glue sniffing in Porth Park.

At 7.30pm participants will congregate outside the old age pensioners homes drinking flagons of Strongbow and smoking skunk.

Visitors are reminded that they must shout at the top of their voices and swear a lot during this period. At 8.30pm everyone will proceed to Hannah Street, where all are expected to participate in public urination. A fight will be arranged with some Ponty boys at 9.25 outside the kebab shop.

Afterwards, cars will be stolen and our merry entourage will head to "Vapours" nightclub where members of the opposite sex will be invited to go to the car park for "shagging". At midnight everyone who hasn't copped on will meet at the bridge by the M4 and will engage in throwing breezeblocks at passing traffic (public buses are the most entertaining targets). At 3am a local off-licence will be targeted for burglary.

Visitors are expected to concentrate their efforts on the cigarette counter. Everyone is expected to steal a car and make his or her own way home.

Day 3 will be a "take it easy day" spent in our exclusive Penthouse Penrhys flat doing bongs and watching porn films all day. Thrill seekers may wish to tag along for the nighttime activity of sharing dirty needles in a heroin taking session in a shooting gallery in Trebanog.

Your fourth day will begin with a brief visit to the Job Centre to "sign on". Visitors are encouraged to behave in an extremely loutish manner when visiting the Job Centre. At 10.30am everyone will congregate in the Miners Club in Ton to drink cider and eat magic mushrooms.

When everyone starts tripping, we will proceed to Coed Ely tip to watch the clouds.

The afternoon session will start with a trip to Roy's Tattooing in Ton Pentre, where visitors will be able to get some souvenir tattoos done on their arses. Many of our previous guests have been very taken with the "three feathers" design.

The final night will be spent in Apollo nightclub where we will see a tidy band.

A bus load of Aberdare boys will be there waiting for us and the evening will end with a traditional Welsh fight outside the chip shop.

On your final morning, the trip to the airport will begin with a pub-crawl all the way down through the valley, culminating in a Hooch drinking frenzy in the airport bar. Drug taking in the toilets is optional.

Farewells will then be said and from me and the boys we look forward to seeing you next year.

Posted by Dio Bach at 13:42

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